Sunday, February 14, 2016

A Valentine's Day Poem Massacre

David leering at Bathsheba as she wears the latest Renaissance fashions,

The Secular Spectrum: A Valentine's Day Poem Massacre

Since it's nearly impossible to find Valentine's Day cards that aren't either sappy or stupid, I began a tradition of writing my own bad poetry for Keith.

Being a satirist, the poems contain hidden jokes and puns. The themes often grow from whatever is occupying our lives as I write it. Since I'm writing posts for the Secular Spectrum, the theme of this year's poem is absurd biblical stories.

Because of this, I decided to share the poem with SecSpec's readers. I've also challenged them to come up with their own bad biblical/romantic verse. And I'm inviting readers of this blog to join the fun.

Share your own biblical babble in the comments section!

And as a bonus, here is last year's Valentine's Day poem for Keith.

You’re Trending in My Heart
  
Follow me and I will follow you,
O’ how you update my status!
Befriend my heart,
And my heart will never defriend yours.
I like to be liked,
And I like to like you.
How your love makes my heart twitter,
Your news feeds my soul.
Share with me your love,
And I will share with you everything.
My laughs will be your laughs,
My tears, you will cry too.
Do not block me, my love,
And my thoughts will always be with you.
Only a person who truly loved me,
Would share these sentiments too.

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Coma Girl

Coma Girl

About Me

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In July of 2013, I fell into a six-week coma and nearly died. When I awoke from the coma, I could barely lift my head. It has been a hard road to recovery. The doctors advised my loved ones to give up all hope for my full recovery, but while they were shining lights in my eyes to gauge my level of consciousness, I was telling them grumpily to leave me alone because I was trying to get back to sleep...in my coma-dream. I was experiencing covert cognition, and the coma-dream was my version of a near-death experience. I'm a skeptic, so I saw surreal images instead of spirits or dead loved ones. According to my research, as many as one in five people with consciousness disorders have covert cognition.

Not a miracle recovery, but a miracle of modern medicine

In 2013 I fell into a six-week coma and nearly died after I contracted legionella. The Legionnaire's disease was in turn triggered by immunosuppression caused by the prednisone I was taking for my rare autoimmune disease, dermatomyositis.

I suffered a series of strokes on both sides of my brain when the sepsis caused my blood pressure to plummet. I fell into a deep coma. My kidneys and lungs began to fail, as my body was began dying one organ at a time. My doctors told my loved ones to give up hope for my full recovery. They expected me to die, and even if I somehow lived, I would remain a vegetable or at best left so hopelessly brain-damaged that I would never be same. But unbeknownst to them, while they were shining lights in my eyes and shaking their heads, I was telling them in my coma-dream--my secular version of a near-death experience--to leave me alone because I was trying to get back to sleep. I was experiencing what is known as covert cognition, the subject of my Skeptical Inquirer article "Covert Cognition: My So-Called Near-Death Experience," which appeared in their July/August issue.

But it wasn't a miracle--despite what so many continue to believe--that I recovered so fully. I owe my life not to God, but the miracles of modern medicine, as well as the nature of the watershed-area brain damage I suffered, as I detailed in my article and in this blog.