I was a Jewish Hitler in the Fifth Grade

Miracle Girl: I was a Jewish Hitler in the Fifth Grade

If there were a hell, I would surely burn in it. In my ignorance, this girl of Jewish heritage stood in front of class and pretended I was Adolf Hitler.

Secular parents, look to my story and beware.

Religious Curiosity: What Draws the Faithful into the Fold?

Miracle Girl: Religious Curiosity: What Draws the Faithful into the Fold?

For this secular-raised girl, the road to Christian Sunday schools was paved with religious curiosity. The grass is always greener on the other side of indoctrination.

Changing Lady Liberty’s Beacon to Immigrants Into a Stiff-Arm

Miracle Girl: Changing Lady Liberty’s Beacon to Immigrants Into a Stiff-Arm

Like the travel ban, the Trump administration's revised admittance policies for immigrants is a cover for the total ban they wish they could impose.

If only the Trump administration didn't have to adhere to that pesky constitution.

Holy Moses or Passover Plotz?

Miracle Girl: Holy Moses or Passover Plotz?

Passover passes over the truth. My fellow "members of the tribe" supposes Moses erroneously. In truth, Passover commemorates a mythological exodus of a people who weren't enslaved, led by a man who never existed.

My Personal War on Christmas

Miracle Girl: My Personal War on Christmas

Ambivalent about the Christmas season? Take this satire and don't tell me Merry Christmas in the morning.

Jew or Not a Jew

Miracle Girl: Jew or Not a Jew

When you think about it, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. To some Jews and atheists, I can't be Jewish because I'm an atheist who has never practiced Judaism. But to anti-Semites, my heritage will follow me forever.

I learned that at a very young age, when my best friend informed me that his Dad said I killed Christ. Not the Jews, mind you, but I did.

All five years of me.

He opened the rock and...something flowed out

Miracle Girl: He opened the rock and...something flowed out

That substance also poured forth from the creationist commenters in my Secular Spectrum post, Holy Moses.

My secular upbringing prevents me from truly understanding the religious mindset. That means in many cases, my readers know more about the subject than I ever could.

How did you swallow religion when you were a believer?

Holy Moses?

The Secular Spectrum: Holy Moses?

I was already an atheist, but I had begun identifying more and more with my Jewish heritage. So one year, my agnostic mother and I loaded up our grocery cart with Jewish foods from the ethnic foods aisle in preparation for a secular Passover. We also picked up a Haggadah, which I barely glanced after we took it home.

To be honest, it wasn't really a Passover seder. We dispensed with all the rituals and went straight for the food.

As I write about in the SecSpec post, I decided that the creamed pickled herring might be useful in case of accidental ingestion of a poison. The borscht, I loaded with more and more sour cream--trying to make it edible--until it looked like Pepto Bismol. But I thought the honey cake and cookies were pretty good--no surprise from someone with such a sweet tooth.

It wasn't really a Passover seder at all, and we never tried it again. Since I didn't grow up with much Jewish culture, my Jewish identity would have to come from within.

And if I never look at another creamed pickled herring, I'll die a happy person.

The Secret Secular Handshake

The Secular Spectrum: The Secret Secular Handshake

I thought I knew what my pulmonologist meant when he asked me if I was wearing my colorful tie-dyed blouse for Easter. But my sleep-addled brain couldn't come up with a response. I guess you could say it was a godless hour.

He elaborated by explaining that he was wondering if I was deliberately dressing like an Easter egg, which is what I thought he meant. (It was obviously meant to be a pleasantry and was by no means an insult.)

In these situations, I'm in the habit of mentioning my Jewishness to get out of of explaining my atheism (and possibly causing a contentious scene). I said, "I'm of Jewish heritage." I had meant to merely inform him of one of the main reason why I wouldn't feel moved to dress for Easter.

But he picked up something else in my statement that's reflexive for me. I didn't say that I was Jewish, only that it was my heritage,

"Meaning you don't practice?"

I nodded.

"I am of Christian heritage, as you say," he replied.

I smiled and said, "Keith is one too."

Later that day, I realized he had given me the gift of a SecSpec post. I'll have to thank him when I see he next.

I deliberately left out many identifying details because godlessness is still largely a negative in deeply religious America, as I detail in the post.

Caught in the Web of @theist Dating

The Secular Spectrum: Caught in the Web of @theist Dating

When I entered the Jewish dating scene, I was thinking that Jews would be more likely to share some of my personal attributes, like humor and liberalism, But I suppose I was also trying to connect to a culture I had only tenuous ties to.

I was sadly mistaken.

In fact, some Jews denied that I even belonged in the "club" because I didn't practice Judaism. There were a number of guys I could tell were interested in me, but were put off by my preemptive announcement of my atheism.

I was trying to screen out guys who would be put off by my beliefs.

It worked all too well.

My Personal War on Christmas

The Secular Spectrum: My Personal War on Christmas

'Tis the season for conflicted feelings for nonbelievers. But after I started dating the Christian-raised Keith, my attitudes softened about Christmas. I have to admit, I even began to enjoy the Christmas music he played around the holidays, though Keith was also careful to include some Hanukkah music in the mix. My favorite was the klezmer-inflected versions of the songs Woody Guthrie wrote for Arlo and his sister. Keith even bought my very first menorah!